PPCW - From the broken to the breaker (a series)

I
When:
you reach out to me; I desperately want to reach back
Oh, but I have seen that action eliminate any chance of reconciliation
Reached
only to realize I have clasped hands with the cruel and ugly stranger you have become

Sometimes:
I fear that if I am not aloof, you will not try
I fear that I do want you back
I fear I don’t want you back
I fear that it is impossible to be together again
I fear there will be no one else
I fear there will be someone else
Both of those...for both of us.
I fear you are never going to be who you were and that I don’t like who you may be
I fear I will never get over you
I fear I am already over you
I FEAR YOU ARE ALREADY OVER ME

Often:
I fear a lifetime of loving you, without you, ever again, loving me in return
I fear that I may appear, terrible, small, sad, and pathetic to others, to you, to myself
I decide I will hold my own hands, not reaching or grasping
eliminating the need to let go…

Again…
Still…
This time

II

You’re there
I don’t know how or why
Rage against my traitorous heart
How could it still love you?

Kokopeli plays in my spotlight
I saw the Dorsa’s
Rita & Barney got married
I can’t sleep before 2am

The more joy
The more pain
This steep part of the journey
Leads to things I cannot yet see

Words haunt me:
Husband
Why
Alone
I can only speculate

It’s a devastating game…wondering
Only more questions
More tears
More fears
Wasted days turned into years

Why did my love disappear?

III.

Can you hear me? Its 5:30am your time.
Wake up because I’m talking to you!
I hate your fucking guts sometimes
I think you weak, irresponsible and ignorant
I hate that you left it all behind

Here in my space…to see, feel, touch and remember.

I hate you for putting my loving words to music
Words which were a gift from my soul
That you spit back at me

I hate myself for still loving you
For hoping, you’ll come back
And I’ll get that fantasy fairy tale we dreamed of

I hate God for putting us through this
I hate your mother for not intervening
I hate that which changed you so drastically
I hate myself for something you cannot name
And I cannot absorb as solely yours

I hate everyone who has found love and happiness with a partner
I hate people who are having babies or already have families
I hate airports, planes, pilots and flight attendants
I hate everyone you smile at
Everyone who looks into your eyes
Everyone you are kind to
Everyone who gets to share any part of your life

I hate that you feel like my husband

I hate the parts of you I could not stand when I was last with you
I hate how much the thought of that email is making me anxious

I hate you because I miss you
I hate you because I am alone and cannot seem to be with anyone else

I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME

I hate you for making me feel broken, small, stupid, insecure and afraid.
I hate you for not coming back to me crawling on your knees

I gave you my heart, mind, body and soul

IT’S DONE

There is no taking that back

I cannot simply stop feeling...

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you

IV.

Though it apparently never entirely goes away
It visits much less frequently

You are someone else's husband now
and I am still no one's wife

Some days that isn't anything close to a bad thing
Others, amazingly painful

I am big enough to wish you the best
I know everything happens as it should

You visited me in a dream not long ago
I asked you what you were doing there
You looked so surprised by the question
I actually laughed

When I woke up
It seemed you finally let me go
after all of these years
and your new vows

I still miss you sometimes
I will love you always

Goodbye.

Artists Notes:
So...breakups suck, they just do. However, they also offer an opprtunity to look within, to pause and re-group, to ask the deep questions and to re-define everything. This series was written around 1996, over a period of time, while I was going through different stages of the grieving process. I included these because some of the most sacred creations are those made in pain and our feelings and creation are two of the ways we can commune and tap into the divine. Creating something while grieving is so powerful, it is unbelievably cathartic to write or paint, to create anything really, and get all those feelings out into something, anything. Creating things while feeling anything strongly most often produces meaningful results, and sacred artwork is creation with meaning. My poetry, prose and creative writing are sacred to me, because they are my words, thoughts and feelings, naked, out there, crafted with all that I am, in that moment.

PPCW - Sitting on the shore

To hear the children laugh
To hear the seagulls cry
To watch the tide crash in
And hear its softest sigh

To watch the white foam thicken
And then to fade away
To see it erode the mightiest rocks
Day after day, after day



To see the sun rise
To see the fog roll in
To see the sun set
And see it rise again

To hear the ocean breathing
To see the Pelicans soar and fall
This is what life's all about
The wonder of it all.

Artists Notes:
I find the beach to be the most spiritual place on earth. It brings me the deepest peace just to be near it and I try to be as often as possible. Standing at the waters edge, watching the waves, I can see the divine in everything, can at once feel both connecred to everything, and then also so small in the large scheme of life. To me, this poem captures my experience and thoughts of being on the shore. I often recite this poem in my head when I go for my weekly beach walk.

PPCW - SLO Life

The mountains lie like long dead dinasours
Lollygaging through the pine trees and blades of grass
Pushing away the shafts of light
Singing through the misty clouds

Guardian Angels dance in the flecks of my eyes
Spinning crystals and diamonds
Which now reside in my heart
Reminders of an emotion I am no longer capable of

I fly into the mouth of the river
Ignoring islands and pillows
Speaking, tongue silent
My tools, the letters of words

Soaring above the landscape
Attempting to name the beauty
Watching, listening, feeling
Connected, a part of all that is.

Artists Notes:
I am blessed to live in a magical place, that is beautiful and mysterious. It constantly inspires me to create in an attempt to articulate all that I see. It connects me to the spiritual and the divine in a tangible and consistant way. This poem captures a moment of a particular day but also captures what is here everyday, that which assists in grounding me and bringing me serenity.

Magic Mirror - full shot

see comments below - in close up

Sea Castle Ruins

Clay: hardslab and hand-formed, rust glaze, appx 20x25 - Private Collection - Not For Sale

Artists Notes:
This is my first inspired creation beyond writing. This piece built itself, I simply added clay. I saw in my minds eye, as it began to take shape, a castle ruins of a sacred temple growing out of the sea, ancient and glorious. It felt to me that I had been here before, that it existed in reality at some point of time. I could actually feel the sensations of climbing the stairs, dancing under the stars, watching the ocean below from the sitting alcove.

Years later while reading the Mysts of Avalon it occured to me that I could easily imagine this ruins there on the ancient mystical isle, full of Priestesses and ritual celebrations.

Magic Mirror - close up

Mirror, cardcoard backing, glue, sand, seashells, stones -appx: 4' x 2' - private collection - not for sale

Artist Notes:
Mirrors have always held a magical quality, who could forget the wicked stepmother in Snow White primping and asking, "mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" I always wanted my own magic mirror, not to be the fairest, but to help me see that which I could not always see in reality and also to help me make manifest those things that I wish for. Often I collect rocks and shells, especially when the day has been particularly sweet and memorable, and this mirror is made up of many of those. I often write in glass safe pens, a current wish that I would like to bring to fruition. I don't honestly know if its magic, but I can honestly say that most of what I have written on this mirror has in fact come true. :O)

Singing Goddess

size: 3" (appx) material: sculpy - private collection not for sale

Inspiration:
This sculpture was inspired by a drawing of a figure I had seen and fell in love with in Marija Gimbutas’ book The Language of the Goddess. “Figure M, M signs also appear on figurines, particularly below the breasts, source of milk and nurture. This masked figurine also has M’s on her back and she wears a V-shaped necklace. Notice the butterflies, symbols of regeneration, beneath the M’s. - Italian Neolithic circa 5300 BC.[1] The symbols of M and butterfly indicate that this is likely a specific Goddess, with the characteristics of an important spiritual woman, a life-giver, a healer and a priestess. I discovered later, this figure can be traced back to the 6 millennium BC, and may be one of the earliest depictions of the butterfly.[2] This figurine called to me, I wanted to hold her in my own hands, so I decided to try to re-create her based on the photographs and notes from the books. To me, she looks like an ancient woman singing or chanting, communing with spirit. She is so simple, yet elegant and beautiful. I can only imagine what the original figurines creator must have felt as she was created, and guess at the reasons she was made. For me, the answer is simple, I feel an incredible sense of peace whenever I look at her, it makes me feel sacred, ancient, connected to all women throughout time. Picture her standing on a hill, on a full moon, basking in the light, standing in a circle of women that surround a bon-fire, singing with all of her soul.

[1] The Language of the Goddess, Marija Gimbutas - Figure 36, page 23 (Passo di Corvo, c5300 B.C.)
[2] The Goddesses and Gods of Old Europe – Marija Gimbutas – page 186

Collage: Family

Artists Notes:
In times of grief we search for comfort and answers. Family and friends often provide the bulk of this. I am blessed by many people who love and care about me. I wanted to create a collage of the special people in my life, during a difficult time in my life. Now I have this wonderful collection that I can see and be comforted by the faces of my loved ones whenever I want.

Mask

Mask: Plaster of Paris, Decoration: various ribbon, crown of gold ribbon over metal wire with gold star, black paint - Private Collection - Not For Sale


Artists Notes:
Masks are so intriguing and take endless forms. There is almost always something powerful about them and many people find them a bit frightening. As this is a mask of my own face, created on a peaceful and joyful day, it brings me serenity when I look at it.

I made this while on a weekend spirituality retreat. We teamed up into two and took turns laying strips of Plaster of Paris over each others faces to create masks. All of it was an intense process, its hard to lie still while someone lays wet heavy strips of goo over your face. When it was my turn to lay the strips, I focused so intently on trying to make them smooth and nice. What is most interesting for me about the final product, is that we had the choice to decorate them any way we wanted, and a lot of people decorated and adorned theirs, some even so much that the face could no longer be seen. As I thought about this as a metaphor for self, I took from it that I was pleased with the simple version of myself, and that felt very nice.

Rivers Treasure

size: 5x13 Material: wood unknown; stones of: quartze crystal & moonstone - Private Collection - Not For Sale

Artists Notes:
I found this tree root on a river bank while camping out for an annual reggae festival in Northern California. It has a beautiful motion to it from floating in the river and it called to be decorated. It is displayed in my house, on my hearth, and it has recieved much comment. Some people see a face, some see it as a metaphorical flame, but it seems that very few people do not have some reaction or comment. I like the contrast between the natural fluid motion and the fixed stones. It brings me thoughts of a great weekend, spent dancing and communing with friends both under the sun and under the moon and stars.

Red for the Heart

(appx) size: 9"x.5" Material: branch: wood unknown; red ink atop unknown natural made lines; embroidery yarn: red, green & yellow; knitting yarn: red; quartz crystal; metal ring, seagull feathers - Private Collection - Not For Sale

Inspiration: ~Native American Talking Stick~
"A Talking Stick is a tool used to let people speak their feelings in a group, or it can be used to talk and listen to the 'Spirit Ancestors of the Spirit World'...A Talking Stick gives (the holder) the floor to speak. All people must 'hear you out', as well as the Spirits..." This piece was based on the ancient idea of a sacred object to aid and focus communication. Usually the object is used in two ways; in a group situation it signifies a person’s turn to speak, in an individual situation it is used to communicate with the spirit world. My creation is more specifically grounded in Native American tradition, but similar representations have existed in many cultures throughout the world and throughout time. In the Native American traditions, the object is most often a stick or small branch of a tree. An offering or prayer is said to the tree it is taken from, or the ground where it was found. The stick is then decorated with objects that are sacred to the person or the group. Many different items have been used, but it is common to see feathers, stones, paint, beads, woven fabric, animal carvings, bones, symbols and other markings. Often, a shaman then blesses the object, or a ritual is done to purify the object and infuse it with spiritual powers. [1] Sometimes the object is also described as giving the speaker special powers, such as the ability to communicate effectively, or persuasively.
~Native American Talking Stick~
Artists Notes: I chose Red as the primary color for this piece for its associations with love/heart, power, strength and joy with intention of infusing my Talking Stick with those attributes. The red and white beads on the red leather strap, were originally a necklace made for me by a former student and full of sentimental value. The woven embroidery yarn was originally a friendship bracelet also made for me by a former student and woven in a tribal looking pattern. Also included is a small silver disc that represents the moon, a traditional symbol of feminine spiritual energy. The crystal, the yarn, the feather…. Materials: branch, type unknown; dyed leather strap & plastic beads; quartz crystal, dyed knitting yarn, dyed embroidery yarn, silver painted disc metal/plastic; ink; feather, glue.

[1] Rainbow Medicine – A Visionary Guide to Native American Shamanism, Wolf Moondance - pages 61-64 and other bits of lore acquired without documentation along my journey.

Azul Pas (blue peace)

(appx) size: 9"x.5" Material: branch: wood unknown; blue ink atop unknown natural made lines; glass beads on metal wire; glass "stone"; metal 'peace' ring, bluejay feathers - Private Collection - Not For Sale

Inspiration: ~Native American Talking Stick~
"A Talking Stick is a tool used to let people speak their feelings in a group, or it can be used to talk and listen to the 'Spirit Ancestors of the Spirit World'...A Talking Stick gives (the holder) the floor to speak. All people must 'hear you out', as well as the Spirits..."

This piece was based on the ancient idea of a sacred object to aid and focus communication. Usually the object is used in two ways; in a group situation it signifies a person’s turn to speak, in an individual situation it is used to communicate with the spirit world.

My creation is more specifically grounded in Native American tradition, but similar representations have existed in many cultures throughout the world and throughout time. In Native American traditions, the object is most often a stick or small branch of a tree. An offering or prayer is said to the tree it is taken from, or the ground where it was found. The stick is then decorated with objects that are sacred to the person or the group. Many different items have been used, but it is common to see feathers, stones, paint, beads, woven fabric, animal carvings, bones, symbols and other markings. Often, a shaman then blesses the object, or a ritual is done to purify the object and infuse it with spiritual powers. [1] Sometimes the object is also described as giving the speaker special powers, such as the ability to communicate effectively, or persuasively.

Artists Notes:
I made this while living in a cabin in the Santa Cruz mountains, every morning the bluejays would wake me with their piercing calls and inevitably their feathers would land on my porch. I found the branch while hiking in one of my favorite secluded spots. I love finding fallen branches that have been on the ground long enough to gather what I call "worm lines", and this branch was simply lovely and calling to be adorned. The stone, I found years ago on the street and kept it because of the color. I created this while meditating on images and thoughts of peace throughout the world at home, and now use it whenever I feel called to pray for peace.

The important thing about making your own sacred and ceremonial art is that it is simply a way for you to be in touch with your creativity and to tap into that part of yourself that is spiritual and divine. What you create doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to have a meaning to you, and when you use these tools in mediataion and prayer, they can assist you to focus and to feel connected to your own faith and the divine that is present within. For some it also helps to ground and remind of a spiritual connection to all the people that have come before, will come after, and are here now that also find prayer and meditation.

[1] Rainbow Medicine – A Visionary Guide to Native American Shamanism, Wolf Moondance - pages 61-64 and other bits of lore acquired without documentation along my journey.

Bibliography & Acknowledgements

The following works have inspired me, provided knowledge, and serve as a foundation for my artwork:

The Woman's Dictionary of Symbols and Sacred Objects, Barbara G. Walker, Harper San Fancisco, 1988
The Woman's Encyclopedia of Myths & Secrets, Barbara G. Walker, Harper San Francisco, 1983
Womens Rituals a Sourcebook Barbara G. Walker, Harper Collins, 1990

The Dreamer's Dictionary, Lady Stearn Robinson & Tom Corbett, Warner Books, 1974
The Dream Book, Betty Bethards, Element, 1983/1995

Moon Magic - Journal, Zera Starchild & Timotek, Doorway Publications,

An Illustrated Encyclopedia of Tradtional Symbols, J.C. Cooper, Thames and Hudson, 1978/1995

The Fifth Sacred Thing, Starhawk , Bantam, 1994
The Spiral Dance, Starhawk, Harper & Row, 1999
Truth Or Dare, Starhawk, Harper San Francisco, 1989

How You Do Anything is How You Do Everything, Cheri Huber, Center for Zen Mediatation,

Keys to Open the Gate, Kimberley Snow, Conari Press, 1994

At the Root of This Longing, Carol Lee Flinders, Harper San Francisco, 1999

Accept This Gift, Frances Vaughn & Roger Walsh, Putnum,

The Celestine Prophecy, James Redfield, Warner, 1995
The Tenth Insight, James Redfield, Warner, 1998

Conversations with God - Book 1, Neale Donald Walsh, Putnum 1996
Conversations with God - Book 2, Neale Donald Walsh, Hampton Roads, 1997
Conversations with God - Book 3, Neale Donald Walsh, Hampton Roads, 1998

Mary Daly, Gyn/ecology, Beacon Press, 1990

Blood Bread & Roses, Judy Grahn, Beacon Press, 1994
The Common Woman Poems, Judy Grahn
She Who, Judy Grahn
The Queen of Swords, Judy Grahn, Judy Says, Beacon Press, 1987

The Sacred Hoop, Paula Gunn Allen, Beacon Press, 1992

The Language of the Goddess, Marija Gimbutas, Thames & Hudson, 2001
The Civilization of the Goddess, Marija Gimbutas, Harper San Francisco, 1991
The Gods & Goddesses of Old Europe, Marija Gimbutas, University of California Press, 1992

Succulent Wild Woman, Sark
Inspiration Sandwich, Sark
Living Juicy, Sark

The Illustrated Book of Signs & Symbols, Miranda Bruce-Midford, Dorling Kindersley Publishing, 1996

The Atlas of Sacred Places, James Harper

Spirit Healing Native American Magic & Medicine, Mary Dean Atwood, Sterling Publishing, 1991
Rainbow Medicine, Wolf Moondance, Sterling Publishing, 1994

Llewellyn's Magical Almanacs 1993-2004, Scott Cunningham & Ray Buckland
Encyclopedia of Magical Herbs, Scott Cunningham, Llewellen, 1984

The Way of the Wizard, Deepak Chopra, Harmony, 1995

Daughters of Copper Woman, Anne Cameron, Harbour, 1981

Wishcraft Barbara Sher w/ Annie Gotlieb, Balantine, 1979

Carnival of the Spirit, Luisah Teish, Jambalya Spirit/Best Sellers Ink, 1994
Jambalaya, Luisah Teish, Harper San Francisco, 1988

How to Survive a Broken Heart, Melba Colgrove, Ph.D., Harold H. Bloomfield, M.D., & Peter Mc Williams

The Mysts of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley, Del Ray/Ballantine 1982

The Teachings of:
Rose Wagnum Francis
Ani Mander
Judy Grahn
Luisah Teish
Starhawk
Elinor Gadon
Joan Marler
Vicki Noble
Dianne Jenett
Z Budapest
Leilani Birely
Wendy Norrins


All of my fellow cohorts, who taught me much - thank you!

A special thanks to my primary co-horts:
Abagail Sutkus
Kelly Rose
Leilani Birely
Maura Torkildson
Sarah Blogg - spinning :)
Molly Hall
Ann Lehr
Hillary Payton
Denise Potenza
Mary Beth Moser
Deborah Grenn-Scott
Ken Swaim

Endless thanks to my family and friends, for their support, influence and patience. I love you all so very much!

This work is lovingly dedicated to all who walked before me, all those who walk with me now, and all those who will walk after me, blessed be.