PPCW - From the broken to the breaker (a series)

I
When:
you reach out to me; I desperately want to reach back
Oh, but I have seen that action eliminate any chance of reconciliation
Reached
only to realize I have clasped hands with the cruel and ugly stranger you have become

Sometimes:
I fear that if I am not aloof, you will not try
I fear that I do want you back
I fear I don’t want you back
I fear that it is impossible to be together again
I fear there will be no one else
I fear there will be someone else
Both of those...for both of us.
I fear you are never going to be who you were and that I don’t like who you may be
I fear I will never get over you
I fear I am already over you
I FEAR YOU ARE ALREADY OVER ME

Often:
I fear a lifetime of loving you, without you, ever again, loving me in return
I fear that I may appear, terrible, small, sad, and pathetic to others, to you, to myself
I decide I will hold my own hands, not reaching or grasping
eliminating the need to let go…

Again…
Still…
This time

II

You’re there
I don’t know how or why
Rage against my traitorous heart
How could it still love you?

Kokopeli plays in my spotlight
I saw the Dorsa’s
Rita & Barney got married
I can’t sleep before 2am

The more joy
The more pain
This steep part of the journey
Leads to things I cannot yet see

Words haunt me:
Husband
Why
Alone
I can only speculate

It’s a devastating game…wondering
Only more questions
More tears
More fears
Wasted days turned into years

Why did my love disappear?

III.

Can you hear me? Its 5:30am your time.
Wake up because I’m talking to you!
I hate your fucking guts sometimes
I think you weak, irresponsible and ignorant
I hate that you left it all behind

Here in my space…to see, feel, touch and remember.

I hate you for putting my loving words to music
Words which were a gift from my soul
That you spit back at me

I hate myself for still loving you
For hoping, you’ll come back
And I’ll get that fantasy fairy tale we dreamed of

I hate God for putting us through this
I hate your mother for not intervening
I hate that which changed you so drastically
I hate myself for something you cannot name
And I cannot absorb as solely yours

I hate everyone who has found love and happiness with a partner
I hate people who are having babies or already have families
I hate airports, planes, pilots and flight attendants
I hate everyone you smile at
Everyone who looks into your eyes
Everyone you are kind to
Everyone who gets to share any part of your life

I hate that you feel like my husband

I hate the parts of you I could not stand when I was last with you
I hate how much the thought of that email is making me anxious

I hate you because I miss you
I hate you because I am alone and cannot seem to be with anyone else

I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME

I hate you for making me feel broken, small, stupid, insecure and afraid.
I hate you for not coming back to me crawling on your knees

I gave you my heart, mind, body and soul

IT’S DONE

There is no taking that back

I cannot simply stop feeling...

I hate you
I hate you
I hate you

IV.

Though it apparently never entirely goes away
It visits much less frequently

You are someone else's husband now
and I am still no one's wife

Some days that isn't anything close to a bad thing
Others, amazingly painful

I am big enough to wish you the best
I know everything happens as it should

You visited me in a dream not long ago
I asked you what you were doing there
You looked so surprised by the question
I actually laughed

When I woke up
It seemed you finally let me go
after all of these years
and your new vows

I still miss you sometimes
I will love you always

Goodbye.

Artists Notes:
So...breakups suck, they just do. However, they also offer an opprtunity to look within, to pause and re-group, to ask the deep questions and to re-define everything. This series was written around 1996, over a period of time, while I was going through different stages of the grieving process. I included these because some of the most sacred creations are those made in pain and our feelings and creation are two of the ways we can commune and tap into the divine. Creating something while grieving is so powerful, it is unbelievably cathartic to write or paint, to create anything really, and get all those feelings out into something, anything. Creating things while feeling anything strongly most often produces meaningful results, and sacred artwork is creation with meaning. My poetry, prose and creative writing are sacred to me, because they are my words, thoughts and feelings, naked, out there, crafted with all that I am, in that moment.